Posts Tagged ‘morbid’

Friday, March 29th, 2002

I am crazy – I’d said that I wouldn’t go to bed before finishing those worksheets, so I stayed up until past 2:00 doing them. But now I’m done! BAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! That makes me giddy. After I do the practice test, the only real work I’ll have is to memorize all the presidents.

Also.. I want to get a huge periodic table of elements to hang up on my wall!! It’d be sooo cute!! .. and sexy. ­čśë

Sorry.. I’m feeling pretty nerdy these days.

Also, I woke up at 10:00 today! I’m getting just what I want.. going to bed late and waking up early (or, at least, at a reasonable hour)! Tis so great. I spend my days doing nothing but at night I become a homework-doing machine! These next few days I will be trying to incorporate work into the daytime, too.

Sorry.. I know you don’t care much.

But hey, I have other stuff to talk about. You know, my dreams usually piss me off during vacation time, because they keep reminding me of things I don’t want to think about. It’s like they’re saying, “Don’t try and hide it, you’re feeling these feelings towards this person!” And today, I saw more people than I did yesterday. There was just a room full of all these people from school and I didn’t know most of them. But I saw Jason! And Tom was in my dream too.. *laughs* We were joking about Mr. Rhodes. Anyway, I won’t go into it here but it was funny. Other things in my dream included: chinese food, sleepovers, chem experiments that could only be done by being killed in various ways to test stuff in your body.. I think it was neurotransmitters. And hey, you had to have several trials for it too, so they resurrected you after each time you died. My favorite way of dying was being mauled by a doberman because it was so fast you almost didn’t feel it… almost. And someone held you while being killed so you couldn’t run away. I usually closed my eyes and awaited my fate, but when I looked at the thing that was about to kill me, I could see that it was awaiting a signal to kill me from the person who was holding me. It was really scary. Oo I also went into Gaida’s room and Mr. Gaida was reviewing bio with Eva. That was weird too. And Jason, he was like.. I guess, that sort of person in dreams who lets you know exactly what you’re feeling towards someone.. Like, I was talking to him about somebody, and he told me I was jealous, and I yelled at him and said I wasn’t, but then deep inside I was. Grrr.

Hehe, silly dreams. I would like to write it down someplace, but really, I sort of want to forget about it, since the whole theme of the dream was about something I don’t want to think about.

Sunday, October 28th, 2001

Oh, you know what else reminds me of AYBABTU? Last year, in Spanish, Amy and I were playing around with grammar and we came up with “┬íCom├ímonos!” It means, “Let’s eat each other!” Oh man, after that day, whenever we had to make up little dialogues and present them to the class, Amy and I always made dialogues about cannibals eating each other.. and once, we had this very bizarre dialogue where one cannibal says “I have ended my cannibalism addiction by resorting to another food source: giant squid that I hunt myself at the depths of the ocean!” Of course, nobody got it, and our Spanish teacher, who actually understood what we were saying, didn’t think it wasn’t too funny and thought we were weird. But aside from the cannibal dialogues throughout the year, our best piece of work was in our Spanish video project. There was this one scene where everybody was running and screaming, and at one point, Amy whispered, “!Com├ímonos!” into the camera, and it was audible to only the two of us who knew of its existence.

Amy and I watched that video last weekend when I went over to her house to work on a math project. We laughed our butts off. Good ol’ com├ímonos. As Aimee (not Amy) said once, “When all else fails, resort to cannibalism.” Haha, the in Turkish the translation of ‘cannibal’ is ‘yamyam.’ Haha. It’s so cute.

I’ve developed a very short attention span. Most of the time, the person loses me before even their first sentence is finished. I drift away into some other land and daydream about other things. While they’re talking, I suddenly ask what the person’s talking about and apologize.. and try really hard to pay attention the second time. Geez, do I have ADD or what? It happens really often. It seems like the only thing that captures my attention is choir. And, well, all my classes. Yeah, not listening to the teacher would be bad. I pay attention in class, but for some reason, not while anyone is talking to me. I sort of get myself mad when I do that. What can I say.. I get bored. It’s very bizarre.

Sunday, September 23rd, 2001

I just woke up from a long nap.. I had a most horrible dream. I went into my gurlmail account and was checking my mail, then suddenly I wondered how come there WAS new mail (since I’m not using it right now because it’s 100% full). Then I looked into my folders and lo and behold, gurlmail had deleted all of them! I was in shock and it was so horrible. So now.. I’m going to spend a fraction of my time every day downloading my e-mails. They are too precious to just let go.. Man. I hope that never really happens. My wonderful e-mails, story of my life, same thing.

Other aspects of the dream (ones that I remember): watching a Disney movie that has a villain who becomes president of the United States just to shoot the protagonist with a rifle and tries to stab him with a bloody flagpole but misses and a big giant dragon scares both of them away, fortune cookie sayings that are written along the sides of skyscrapers, my mom talking to random scary looking people on drugs and giving them gum and $17, something about orphans, and someone’s dad dying.. I think.. and most likely some other stuff that I can’t remember right now.

Wednesday, September 12th, 2001

Hehe. I guess my entry didn’t show up last night.. sorry, Chelsea! But as you can see, I didn’t write much.. I mean… what is there to say? It was bad and horrible, and I’m scared, and we’re all going to die, and all my art is going to perish, but nobody cared about that in the first place. Ummm… Really, what can I say? Geez. People just expect me to spurt out deep and thoughtful reflections! I mean.. okay, this is gonna sound rude and controversial and everything, but it’s actually quite interesting.. I mean, I never thought stuff like this would happen during my lifetime! Of course, I probably wouldn’t be this interested if I was going to die soon. I hope I don’t. That’d be sad.. for me, at least.

Besides that, I’m having a bad day.. and not because of all this stuff that happened. In fact, nothing actually happened to make this a bad day. Everything is going normally. Maybe I am going through weird internal stuff. *grin* I guess I’ll be okay.. maybe I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. I just want to lie down and, like, sleep. Okay.. well.. sleeping would depress me too, actually. I hate the feeling of lying in bed with all my hair messed up and my face greasy and it’s light out and I’m too lazy to budge so I just lie there for a couple of hours. Then I get up and I’m all dizzy and woozy… well whatever. Okay, maybe I don’t want to sleep.

Monday, August 20th, 2001

I finished the book, as I said I would. Yay! This gives me confidence. I started reading it in the morning when my computer was starting up after breakfast, and it just seemed so interesting. I was actually sort of mad because when I was walking to my room to turn on the computer, my parents brought up how I was “addicted” to chatting again. Maybe I am, but I really was thinking of reading my butt off today. If I hadn’t done that, I was going to write in my diary. I’ve been putting it off for weeks and I’m really beginning to piss myself off. I was supposed to have written there roughly 25 days ago and record exactly what happened every 3 days.. but knowing me, I didn’t. The diary is a place for me to see my different emotions, stages of feeling, so I can further analyze myself, but it just doesn’t work when you sit and write what happened a month ago. I’ve gone into extreme rages where I just trembled in tears with anger, or I’ve wanted to just jump off a building.. of course, not literally. I don’t even remember if I had haunting dreams or not. But I do know that every encounter with the problem made me feel different. More incidents piled up that twisted my original feelings and turned it into compassion or hatred or depression or regret or hope or happiness or angriness or niceness, or sometimes I just felt like a pigeon that’s been turned into road pizza – if you didn’t know what a pigeon looked like, it wouldn’t have been easy to guess what it actually looked like before the car smashed it into the concrete.. total confusion. Like one of those nasty concoctions Sophie makes whenever there’s random bits of food lying around.. she mixes soda, M&Ms, chocolate, gum, chips, and anything she could find and giggles as she mixes it with a spoon and everybody twists their face at her in disgust. And now I’m just mad that I didn’t write down the feelings when they were vivid.. keeping the M&Ms and not letting them get mixed into the mess. But now all these thoughts and remembrances of feelings are jumbled in my mind and I’m going to have a hell of a time recalling all of the details vividly. And what pisses me off is that I still haven’t written.

I think tomorrow is the big day I will write in my diary. I was going to do it tonight, but I decided to finish my book instead, since I sort of wanted to, and I was too close to the ending to stop. Anyway.. hopefully tomorrow I won’t be as lazy. I take at least a day’s break before starting to read a new book anyway.

Other things I have done today.. I practiced voice for a change.. my piano teacher is also giving me voice lessons. I always keep putting it off and end up practicing for half an hour a day before the lesson.. of course, that doesn’t work. So I think I’ll practice daily this week. Then I sat and practiced some piano.. Then I made a collage of all the detain slips that I kept in my binder.. the piece of paper where you write your name and date and the time, and the teacher signs it so the teacher in the next period does not mark you tardy when you show it to her. I kept saving them, but then I saved them for so long that I just couldn’t throw them away. I arranged them on a posterboard and glued them down. It was pretty hard because of my stupid clumsiness. I glued one of them wrong.. I was supposed to glue other things first and then glue that one later, because if I didn’t do that the others would overlap on the writing. So I had to reorganize the whole thing and for a moment I thought I’d screwed up royally and was about to burst into tears. But it turned out to be okay. I can’t believe how many memories are in there.. for, you see, every detain was written for a reason. Looking down at them I remember all these wonderful memories. Now I’m just looking for a place to hang it – and how to hang it. I don’t want to use tape because I don’t want the corners to get ripped while I’m trying to take it off the wall.

You are probably going to ask why I’m not writing in my diary but I’m not so lazy to write in here. Typing is just easier, I guess.. I could also write in the journal I keep in my computer.. The folder I made to store typed up ramblings because I knew sometimes I would be too depressed to get up, go to my closet, take out the diary, take out a pen, and write in it. But I’ve been neglecting that for months. Besides, this really needs to be written in the diary. It’s fun to read afterwards.. all of the changes you go through.. and you read your earlier entries and think to yourself, “Man, if you only knew what was going to happen.. mwahaha you stupid idiot! HAHA!” *grins* Anyway.. I write about my diary too much, don’t I?

Monday, May 21st, 2001

I just got back from the Museum of Tolerance.. man.. it was soo cool! For history class we had to go to the tour about the Holocaust… it was so interesting and sad.. Wah.. and at the beginning of the tour they gave us this card that had the name and picture of a Jewish child and at the end we put them in computers to see if he survived.. neither mine or my mom’s survived.. *pout* Gr! They threw newborn babies out the windows into the trucks waiting below! And we looked at dozens of disgusting pictures of corpses and skeletons… wah.. so sad.. *poutie*

Tuesday, March 6th, 2001

Oh man!! Mr. Gaida had bought two mice last week, and today I was the one to discover that one of them had been savagely.. EATEN!! I thought mice were herbivores!!! My God! It was soo disgusting.. All that was left was gooey guts covered in blood, and a tail. And there were like yellow juices on the napkin surrounding the guts. I wonder where the head, fur, and bones went. Also, we’ve noticed that the other mouse had gotten pretty fat. This is so damn scary, man. It’s so sad how nothing in Mr. Gaida’s classroom survives. And they usually die in violent ways.
Today I noticed the dead lobster in the sink and I screamed. I forgot it was there. It’s been there for a month.
Okay.. enough of that. It’s raining. It’s soo beautiful. I always feel romantic and tired after I’ve been out in the rain. I don’t know why. Hehe.
Okay, well, that’s it for now, I have lots to do this week so I can’t write much right now.. bye!

Monday, January 29th, 2001

Hello. Wow. This is one of my best weekends ever! Well.. maybe not. But I’m having fun without the need of computers or people.. which is always a good thing. Hey! That means I can amuse myself again, just like old times! That makes me happy. I tried something with watercolors today. Even though it’s not that good, well, it’s not exactly horrible. I mean at least there aren’t really, really major mistakes in it. Okay, well, maybe.. Oh geezy, who cares. Now I’ll just have to decide if I should give up on watercolors or start with simpler things and work my way up. Whatever the case may be, I’m happy!
Oh man. I’d always wanted to isolate myself from the world and just live life my own way. And I have done it! I know I probably sound like a freak, but that’s too bad. After practicing piano, I’m going to draw something else. And tomorrow will be just as good.
Yay! This is happy. Oh, I had some weird dreams.. First of all, the day before, I had a dream where Mr. Gaida and David were in a public bathroom, and suddenly Mr. Gaida fainted/had a heart attack and fell on top of David and injured him.. Somebody told me and I rushed to the scene of the event, and David was sprawled in a corner looking confused, and they were carrying Mr. Gaida away in a stretcher. He was dead. There was like blood on the walls I think, but I’m not sure.
Oh, and the dreams I had last night.. Well I had a lot, but I only remember a few. In one of them, I found little action figures, and Jason and Kai were there, and two of the action figures looked just like them. So I gave it to them. But instead of giving Jason his action figure lookalike, I accidentally gave him a little monkey action figure and he was sort of insulted. Heh heh, oops. But Kai liked his action figure lookalike. Yay! Kai was cool in my dream. (Not that he isn’t cool in real life.)
Oh, and the other part of my dream, well, there was this lemonade salesperson, and he was selling lemonades, and I wanted to buy one, and he told me to wait and we were sort of talking while he was doing something behind the counter, then he gave me a bottle of lemonade and I noticed that it was a little darker than usual, so I forced him to admit that it was his urine, so then I left.
Hm, there was this weird part where a guy walked out the door of a 100 story building and there wasn’t a room there so he just fell. And a woman shot him so the bullets changed his direction of flight and he landed in a.. I don’t know, it was somewhere on a skyscraper. Oh, and he wasn’t hurt.
Okay, enough of that. My head hurts from trying to remember all this stuff. I’m gonna go practice piano now, bye!