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chemistry:

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"Every mechanical engineer I've known and worked with at any level didn't know how to use moles. Everything is mass. When they do thermodynamics with gases, they have a gas constant R specific for each gas or gas mixture. For some reason, they're not able to deal with the quanity of moles! Only chemical engineers are able to deal with moles." - Dr. Winnick

"First God created acids. Then the Devil created bases. They cancel each other out, you see. Then He created a Jesus stick called a litmus test to see which side is winning." - Tyler, about a creationist chemistry book

"Is elemental aluminum biologically inert? I'm wondering what would happen if I ate pieces of aluminum foil." - Derric

"Those of you who are romantic may think of yourselves as composed of stardust. Those of you who are cynics may think of yourselves as nuclear waste." - Prof. Yaffe

"So are you saying that Henry's Law is a lie?" - Maurice

"Grad students are pretty much awkward people in general. Too insecure to get a job, so they stick around at school and slave away in lab. When you're social for a few minutes a week, they wonder why people don't behave like molecules." - Phil

"I babysit nutrition majors and answer questions like, 'Why won't it recrystallize faster?'" - Phil, on being a TA

"Is it bad that when a close my eyes, I see carbons and oxygens? I hope I don't dream about the Robinson annulation or become Mannich-Depressive!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! oh god.... not a single person who might be reading this will get that joke... You know what movie I haven't seen in a while? Simon Birch Reduction!! HAHA!! ba-zing!!! I should get on the prowl cuz I'm hungry like the Wolff-Kischner!!! ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!! If I tell any more of these jokes, my life level will become unsaturated and I'll become DEAD!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! I need a woman...." - Phil

"We know there are different solid states of carbon. One of them is graphite that is in your pencils, and the other is diamonds, which some of you may be wearing. Or you can't afford to wear diamonds because of paying MIT tuition." - Prof. Hatton

"This girl in lab sprayed our TA in the face with dichloromethane. I didn't stop laughing for like three hours. I was brought to tears. And then she shattered a crystallization dish. Laughter ensued." - Tulasi

"Does anyone have access to agar, flexible tubing, and an inclination to make salt bridges for our Zn/Cu battery?" - Katherine

"Hey, chem question.. You think vodka would work for my engine? They're having the party out there right now. Maybe I should try to get some vodka and burn it. Is it high enough percentage?" - Jonathan

"So let's look at the mechanism of this reaction. Oh, by the way, I'm going to a Metallica concert tonight. *continues lecturing*" - Dr. Berkowski

"Let's dust off a few neurons and look at the conformation of this molecule." - Prof. Swager, talking about something we had covered earlier

"The chemist in the lab will use what's already there and what's cheapest." - Prof. Swager

"When somebody's standing at the edge of a cliff, it's not hard for someone to push that person off. Not that I'm trying to give you ideas for what to do to me after the exam." - Prof. Swager, about activation energy

"If you start torturing this molecule, I'm sure you could make... charcoal out of it." - Prof. Swager

"There's water all around, so it can help to relieve the pain this molecule is feeling." - Prof. Swager

"Everybody has a filled octet, the negative charges are on the oxygen atoms.. What could be better in life?" - Prof. Swager

"Up until this point, you have made -- well, on paper -- a lot of alcohols. Well, maybe some of you have little fermentation things in your rooms -- I hope not!" - Prof. Swager

"I'm not even gonna try and spell the rest of the word. It's Friday, give me a break. I know the chemistry, I just don't know the spelling." - Prof. Swager, who is dyslexic

"That H⁺ does not have enough 'oomph' to attack that center." - Prof. Swager

"Oh, forgot a hydrogen... I ate it!!" - Prof. Swager, when a student asked what happened to the third hydrogen

"Chemists are all about being cheap and easy." - Phil

"This is crystalline, so you take it out of the bottle, weigh it out... you wouldn't die while weighing it out." - Prof. Swager

"I don't encourage memorization. It's just guessing. You have to imagine you're a molecule." - Prof. Swager

"Chem HW is one of those things you can sort of sneak in the pile and no one knows." - Sam

"Chem is my homie. I spend 5 hours a day with him." - Roger Li

"Golly gee, I've gotten acid all over me!" - Mrs. Wexler

"You're amused by the stupidest things, you know that?" - Michael, during chem lab, while Ardy throws drops of water on the hot plate and watches them evaporate

"This is a powerful base, so be careful while using it. If you feel a soapy tingly sensation on your fingers, that's your skin disintegrating." - Mr. Gaida

"The ideal gas, just like the ideal man, does not exist." - Mrs. Canalita

"Diffusibility is a characteristic of gases that solids don't have. For example, let's say you're sitting on your chair. Another person can't just come and sit in the same chair.. well, unless you were in a romantic mood." - Mrs. Canalita